* LOUIE CK *

Appendix Removal: a guide

Louis C.K.

The following is a comprehensive set of instructions that are meant to aid a person who is planning to remove an appendix and has not done so before. It is always preferable, when appendix removal becomes necessary, to have the procedure performed by a person who has some experience, for example: a doctor. Many doctors, especially surgeons, have removed a part of a person already. However, if you know someone who needs their appendix to be on the outside of their body, and you do not want to “drive” them to the doctor, you should be able to perform the procedure, simply by following these easy instructions.

NOTE: TO ATTEMPT THIS PROCEDURE ON ONE’S SELF COULD RESULT IN COMPLICATION INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO; NAUSEA, DIZZINESS, DISCOMFORTS. DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REMOVE YOUR OWN APPENDIX UNLESS ALL OTHER OPTIONS ARE NOT CONVENIENT.
WARNING: WHEN PLANNING TO REMOVE A PERSON’S APPENDIX, OR OTHER ORGANS IN A BODY, DO NOT ATTEMPT THE PROCEDURE IN A CROWDED PLACE OR A PLACE WHERE FOOD OR BEVERAGES ARE SERVED.

Remember, before removing the appendix, read this manual carefully, and keep it nearby, during the procedure for reference.

APPENDIX REMOVAL: STEP - BY - STEP

1. PREPARING THE PATIENT: The “Patient” is what we will call the person from who’s body the appendix is to be removed. It is important to prepare the patient before attempting the removal. The first step in preparation, is to tell the patient your intention to remove their appendix. If the patient knows your plans, it will be far easier to gain their cooperation. This step is done simply by saying to the person, “Excuse me, I’m going to take your appendix out now.” In the case that you have not met the patient, it may be suitable to say “Hello, my name is (your name) and I am going to take your appendix out of you. What is your name?”. (NOTE: It is normal for a patient to experience some psychological discomfort or “worry” when told of the impending removal. This is best alleviated by using the phrase “Now, now. I know best.” Comforting the patient prior to the removal will make it easier for them to hold still during the procedure, resulting in less blood escaping their bodies due to gravity and “The Hole” (To be discussed in the next chapter entitled “the Hole”)

2. THE HOLE: The hole is something that must be made in the body of the patient in order to gain access to the appendix. The hole may be created in one of many ways. The simplest way is to pierce the skin with a sharp or hot object, and then cut or slice away an area of skin, approximately the size of a miniature pumpkin. The skin that has been cut away can either be discarded, used to make a stylish hat or saved in a coke can to be replaced after the appendix is removed. NOTE: UPON MAKING THE HOLE, ONE MAY FIND THAT MUCH BLOOD WILL POUR FROM THE BODY. IF MORE THAN FIVE PINTS OF THIS BLOOD ESCAPES, THE PATIENT MAY BECOME “TIRED” OR “NOT ALIVE ANY LONGER”.

3. LOCATING THE APPENDIX: Once the hole is in place it becomes necessary to “locate” or “identify” the appendix, provided that removal of that organ is still the objective of the procedure. The appendix is easily located simply by asking any qualified doctor or surgeon where appendixes are. One should then look in the place recommended by said doctor and see if there is an appendix there. If there is one, you are now prepared to remove it.

4. REMOVAL: To remove the appendix, simply grasp the organ with your hand, curling your fingers around “it”. Then remove by employing one of the following method:

Method A. Walk away from the body containing the appendix until you are exactly ten feet away. Provided that your arms are shorter than ten feet, and you held fast to the appendix, it should now be outside of the body or “removed”. If you find that you did not hold onto the organ while you walked away, go back to the body and repeat the preceding steps, this time saying out loud “I must hold on to this organ, if I mean to remove it.”

Method B: While still holding onto the appendix, ask the patient to “Go over to that table and look for a pen.” Provided that the table is farther away from you than is the length of your arm, you should now have the appendix in the area outside the body or, once again, “Removed”.

5. AFTER THE REMOVAL: Once the removal is complete you can do whatever you desire, including but not limited to: going to a restaurant, committing suicide, winning an Emmy® Award.

NOTE: IF YOU NEED TO PERFORM A KIDNEY TRANSPLANT, MERELY REPLACE THE WORD “APPENDIX” WITH THE WORD “KIDNEY” IN THIS MANUAL, FOLLOW ALL INSTRUCTIONS AND THEN REVERSE THE PROCEDURE.