Archive: 9/1/03
9/2/03
It's about 9am. today I woke up at 4:30am. My baby was crying and my wife was throwing up. I'm sorry that, for a while at least, most of these entries will just be about what time I woke up and what my baby is doing. it's summer and we're all up in the country together so that's what's going on. This fall I will be more back in the city, in the world, and maybe have more interesting things to say.
I have to say I consider myself very lucky that our baby is very very easy to care for. She's very easy going and very smart, so I can actually reason with her "It's better that we let the monkey sit on it's chair for now, so that you don't get your cereal all over it. Okay?" "Okay, yeah." She says. HOWEVER, we are having this one problem. She likes to poke our dog in the eye. It's horrible to witness. She'll be petting the dog, kissing the dog, everything is fine, then she just sticks her tiny finger right into the poor dog's eye. The dog looks like it really hurts her,but she just takes it. Wehave tried many ways to let our daughter (19 months) understand that poking in the eyes is bad. We've tried being dramatic, picking her up and acting very shocked. She finds this very funny and sometimes will poke me or my wife in the eye to keep it going. We've tried sitting her down, calmly, and explaining to her that she's hurting the dog (and us) by poking eyes. I once asked her, "How would you like it if I poked you in the eye?" and she smiled and poked herself in the eye. She liked it fine. I've given her a few lectures on the subject but all that's done is give her things to repeat as she walks around the house. "No poke eyes. Be nice to doggy. No poke eyes" She says as she builds a tower with blocks. Twenty minutes later, she's blinding the dog again.
About three weeks ago, I was listening to "Doctor Laura" on the radio. I find her show fascinating to listen to because she is so unbelievably harsh. Sometimes it's actually appropirate, but other times it's completely inappropriate. Those are the best times to listen.
I don't know what it is, but when I hear her confronting people and calling them failures as parents while they sit there quietly on the phone, trying to answer her, only to be told to shut up, it blows me away. The fact that she finds it incredibly rude, when someone is trying to just get one word in about their OWN LIVES, it's incredible. When I listen to her show, something that tension just makes me tingle.
So I was sitting in my car listening to this when I had a compulsion to call her. I really wanted to take part in this. I wanted her to shit all over me on live radio. . I don't know why. Part of the reason may even be sexual. Maybe I'm harboring desires that I haven't copped to yet.
I picked up my phone and dialed the number. Incredibly, I got through. A screener came on and said "Doctor Laura, please hold." And now I was listening to the show through my cell phone. My heart was pounding. I'm not going to say whether or not I had a boner. Suddenly I realized i had no reason to be calling. What would I ask her about? I tried to think of something quickly. I remembered my baby poking the dogs eyes and decided on that.
After a few minutes, Doctor Laura herself came to the phone! I wasn't on the air yet. I guess she screens her own calls. "hello, what's your question?" she said tersely. "Oh, well, I have a daughter. She's nineteen months and-" "What is your question?!" She interupted angrily. I thought I had already started asking it. "You have to tell me what your question is so I know if I can help you." Doctor Laura demanded of me. I stuttered, "Oh, well... my daughter is... I have a dog and she-" Now she was really mad "Look, just ask your question and then if I need other information, I will back you up from there." I didn't know what to say. I was breathing hard. How do you ask a question without giving any information at all? I tried to think of the most boiled down version of the question. "How do I make her stop poking eyes?" or maybe just "What do I do?" Or maybe even just "What the fuck?" Finally I blurted out "How do I stop my child who is too young to be diciplined from poking me and the dog in the eyes?" She quickly fired back "I can't help you with that. You need to speak to your pediatrician, someone who knows more about your child's behavior." And she hung up.
Wow. I was breathless. I though she saved that shit for the radio show but, nope. that's really her. If I had been holding a handkerchief, I would have dabbed at my brow with it. Wow. I have to say that all those angry gay people deprived America of a great TV show. Fucking jerks. And for what? Because she said that homosexuality is wrong? So what? She tells everyone that they're living their lives wrong. She shits on us all. That's why we listen.
Thanks for reading.
LCK
(If you would like to respond to this blog, please go to my guestbook.)