Actually, I hit the road last night at 11pm because, in my experience, the worst part of the entire 3,000 mile drive is getting out of the greater Los Angeles area. For those of you who have not experienced highway driving in LA, rush hour lasts from aboout 8:00 AM to about 8:00 PM. There is nothing more depressing than to sit in slow traffic for hours and hours through LA construction and strip malls as the sun blared down on you so hard that you have to compensate with blasting A/C in your car. That's why I leave in the middle of the night, so I can wake up the next day, already in the middle of the desert, with only the best part of the country (everywhere but LA) stretched in front of me.

Ludlow California is always my first stop. I love it here because the motel and the diner are not chain establishments. It's just a little motel with a sign that says "Motel" and a diner with a sign... you get the idea. Also, there's always old pickup trucks here and rusty cars from the fifties laying around. It looks like the dying town in "The Last Picture Show". It's always a little windy and it's so bleak that I keep expecting CLoris Leachman to throw a teapot at me.

A brief note about last night and how the trip got started.... The problem with me making a trip like this is that I get badly obsessive. I can never decide which route to take and what to drive. I always want everything to be just right so that the experience isn't wasted. It began with the car. I decided to rent an SUV and I had this idea in my head of how perfect it would be for the dog and I and all our shit to travel in a Ford Explorer. They're so big and roomy and they can drive through anything. So I called Hertz, where I'm a #1 Club Gold member (You'd be so sickened if you knew how much I get off on status things like that). They reserved an Explorer for me at LAX airport. I took a cab there, very excited to pick up my vessel. I'm rocking back and forth in the back of this cab whispering "Ford Explorer. Oh yeah. This is gonna be great."

I get to LAX and the Hertz is mobbed. They're running out of cars. They have no more Explorers. Oh no. Fuck. It has to be an Explorer. Please. They offer me a Chevy Suburban. I ask if I can see one first. The two women at the counter look at each other like "Here's another one of these fucking guys." They tell me where there is a Suburban, way across the lot in space X78 or something. So I walk all the way there (past lots of explorers) to see it and I hate it. It's just not right. I hate GM esthetics and design. The new Explorers are awesome. The steering wheel is leather. Come on. Suburban? Fuck that. So I walk back. "What else do you have." They can't believe what a dork I am and they are NOT hiding it. She gives me directions to a Mitsubishi Endevor. I go, knowing I'll hate it and I did. Then I went back. They still think I'm an asshole but they are used to me now. I'm like they're mascot. But then the manager comes in and has this "Enough with the bullshit" additude and says "We only have ONE SUV that can go to the East coast. It's a Nissan Exterra. You can have that or a Ford Taurus. NO fucking way am I driving across the country with my dog in a Taurus, but now she's even pulling my other options. So mostly out of shame I say I'll take the Nissan. As I walk to it, contract in hand, I pass millions of shiny explorers. I finally find this piece of shit Nissan and it is SO not ideal. It is SO going to fuck up my trip. But I get in it and go. It's rattly, noisy, ugly, the seat digs into my back, the steering wheel is sticky plastic and it pulls to the right as I drive. A mile away from Hertz, I think no. NO way. I call the LAX Hertz counter and tell them they have to give me something better. They say "WE don't have anything!" So I call Hertz Gold and ask them to locate me an Explorer. An hour later they call back and say that they have no Explorers in Los Angeles that can go East. Now I'm hyperventilating. I call Budget Rentacar and guess what? They have Explorers up the ass, they don't care where you take them and they cost LITERALLY half what Hertz's does!! Fuck Hertz. I reserved an Explorer at Burbank Airport because I had to go to work at Warner Brothers which is near there and in Burbank, all the rental companies share a lot so it'll be easy to turn this in and pick up my perfect vehicle. Let me stop here and ask one question: What the fuck is wrong with me? Okay, to continue....

I get to Burbank and return the Nissan to the Hertz there. The guy wants to charge me 100 dollars for the day of rental on it. I complain and say that it's a shitty car, pulls to the right, and I got a better deal at Budget. I was probably kind of an asshole about it, but isn't everyone who is trying to not pay for something? I went to Budget and the guy there was great. "I have a blue Ford Explorer waiting for you in space 1A." FUcking perfect! But just as he's about to hand me the contract and the keys, he looks down at this computer screen and frowns. "Hm... There's a problem here." "WHat?" "... It says your licence is invalid."

Now, I was aware that my licence has been revoked back in New YOrk State (long story) but I didn't think it would come up because it didn't at Hertz. But of course Hertz doesn't check my licence because I'm a Gold member. They probably check it once a month rather than every rental. SO the guy at Budget says sorry, no car for you, and now I'm at Burbank airport with NOTHING! Idiot. SO I go back to Hertz to face the guy I was an asshole to. He says "What happened at Budget" and I say "Oh, I don't like BUdget. Hertz is the best." What a dork I am. So he says "Well, I'm afraid all I can give you is the car you rode in on." And I say "COme on, please. Find me another SUV. Anything else. That one is horrible. IT pulls to the right." So the guy, who was a really nice guy named Rick, calls some dude in a back lot to see what's been returned that can go East. Nothing. So he says "Let me call Mike." Good idea. he calls Mike. Mike says to wait about twenty minutes. So I wait. 20 mintues is a long time to stand there doing nothing (plus I'm scared that Hertz is going to check my licence now.) FInally Mike calls back. Rick says "Okay, you have three choices. These are the only vehichles we have that need to go back east. Your NIssan (fuck that) a Minivan (NO WAY) or... A Lincoln Navigator." I go "What?" How much is that?" Rick says "It should be about twice as much but you'd actually be doing us a favor bringing it East, so you can have it at the Explorer rate." I felt a rush go through my body. What kind of a fucking idiot am I that I can feel a rush go through my body because I got upgraded on a rental car? Let me rephrase the question: Have you ever driven a Lincoln Navigator? HOly mother fucking shit. What a car that is. Jesus up the ass of Joseph. It's like sitting in first class and you're flying the plane with a cool wooden steering wheel and I get to take one ALL THE WAY TO NEW YORK. Oh yeah. Oh................. yeah.

So that's what I'm driving, folks. And it is sweet. It couldn't possibly be better. AND it looks hilarious parked in front of this soggy, shitty 50 dollar hotel room.

As far as the route I'm taking. That's my other obsessive problem. Every time I drive my dog across the country I swear that I'm going to go a whole new way. I'm going to see the country this time! No more route 40 past the same shitty Tucumcari, Amarillo, Springfield Missouri. Not for me. This time I'm going straight across the south on the 10. San Antonio, Biloxi! New Orleans! YEah! Or maybe the Rocky Mountains! Denver, Zion National Park! Vegas! Nebraska! YEAH! It's my choice. I have big fat car and I can go where I want! But I can never decide and I pore over maps for hours and hours leading up to the night of the trip. And I still can't decide. EVERY TIME, I can't decide until the final last second, which is when the 10 East branches off to the 15 and I juuuuust at the last second jerk the wheel left as I grimace, giving up on the South. And then half an hour later, where the 15 hits the fourty. I literally moan as the Exit approaches, still not knowing where I'm gonna go. I think about Vegas and about checking into somewhere stupid and fun like Circus Circus so maybe my dog can meet a lion and I can lose 500 dollars playing Roullette and at the last second, every stupid time, I pull to the right and take the 40 to Ludlow. The rest is going to feel, as always, like a shitty commute because I've seen it. The indian blankets and the shrubby plants and the painted desert bla bla bla.

This time, though, I am definitely going to make a slight route adjustment. Instead of cutting North at Oklahoma City, I'm going to continue East. Memphis, Lexington. Maybe I'll even see Philadelphia.

I will try to post from the road every day if I can and I'll include pictures when I can too.

That's all for now, my friends...

Thanks for reading,